it's taking every ounce of my being

not to just completely verbally tear someone's being apart right now.

every.

ounce.

you win online course

these online tests are fucking ridiculous and I def will not be passing them at all.

time to take my F in style :/

oh well, I guess I'll just retake it in the Spring.

The D.E.N.N.I.S. system

time to try it out :D

karma, biatch

That awkward moment when

someone says they want to be independently happy and then are constantly looking for a new boyfriend.

I was the ONLY person on the planet that took you seriously. You were the token gay guy, a joke, to EVERYONE but me.

And then you have the nerve to say you want to find someone who takes you seriously?

Fuck off, just say you didn't like me any more.

I can't fucking STAND when people can't be upfront about that kind of stuff. Lying doesn't make me feel better, I swear.

I don't think anyone broke my trust more than you did. Hopefully I'll find someone who can make me trust people again.

I need to start dating, pronto. I don't know where I'll find them but I need to find them. I deserve someone. I'm not that lame. I know I'm kinda weird but I'm not that terrible, am I? I generally give a shit about what I look like. I can speak to people okay. I am not socially retarded. Why isn't that good enough for most gay people?

The only guys who will talk to me are straight guys and they don't fucking count. It's almost like that works against me. I don't understand how people think.

I know I'm ranting, I get it, but it's helping me not have a totally shitty night.

He doesn't deserve to be happy when I'm not. I gave him a serious chance that he won't get again any time soon. Hopefully I'll get that same chance someday.

Closure

I haz it.

I finally put my big boy face on and messaged Christian and started talking to him. I mean, we'll never really be as close as we were, but it's not to not have to be afraid to see him every time I'm out.

And I asked Bud to hang out with me.

One down, one to go.

surrender

grey's anatomy put it well, when you give in you almost always forget what you were fighting about.

except you don't forget.

but also as grey's anatomy says about things that hurt to think about.

you put them in a little box and just try not to ever take them out again...you can't forget them, but you can do your best to leave it alone.

thanks Addison.

you know what I want for my birthday?

my friend back.

bible beaters

"you may not think praying is going to do anything, but I have something you don't. Faith. Prayers are powerful with faith. and right now, my prayers are with those in Japan. May God bless them."

someone left this in response to me saying that instead of frivolously praying in an attempt to make yourself feel better actually doing something like donating to the red cross.

Christian people never fail to make themselves look dumb as fuck.

dumbassssssssssss

Sometimes I wish I liked sex more

so I could just go fuck around like normal gay men my age.

Instead I just want to play videogames with them and fall asleep on them while watching movies.

Fuck it.

Sometimes I wonder

if the reason no one really talks to me is how I look.

I have super spiky hair,
acne,
really pale skin,
baggy casual clothes 24/7
actually nice shoes instead of toms or loafers or some shit

and I wonder if that turns people off? Like, I know gay guys don't like it because I don't give a fuck how I dress, but I wonder if it ever deters people from talking to me.

I've thought about cutting all my hair off and wearing gay clothes before...
but why should I have to do that to fit in with a group I don't even like?

Oh well, just a thought running through my mind today.

and p.s., I like the way I dress and the way my hair looks a lot, actually. I kinda model those things after what I would like my partner to look like a little bit. But there aren't gay people that dress like that, like, at all.

Well

cried again.

95% of my friends don't talk to me anymore or decided I'm a bad person and that I judge everyone.

No gay guy will ever like me.

Don't mean to sulk, but it just sucks.

Damn

every day I care less and less about school.

I don't care about any classes I'm taking, I don't want to be a psychologist really and there's not much you can do with the degree I am headed towards anyway.

I feel like no matter what choice I make, it's a mistake.

If I drop out after this semester, I can still get my associates, but idk what I can even really do with that.

An idea I had was to get my AA and try to be like a bank teller or something, a job that pays fairly well so that I can save up some money. I'd live with my dad for a while until I saved some money. Then, I want to get my own place and go to cosmetology school.

but that's just an idea.

and I don't think I'm ready to leave g-town yet. I know that probably sounds lame, but I like it there. I really do like a lot of the people and I don't mind the city at all.

I just don't know what to do, everything seems like the wrong choice. I just hate being alone here all the time doing something I really don't care about.

I wish you and me

weren't the only people that think I was fucked over.

I'm not saying that I want people to sit and grovel at my feel and stuff...

but shit, NO ONE but you even felt bad for me. Everyone was like "oh well, get over it". or thought that he didn't do anything wrong.

I remember when I first started going out with him, everyone said "if you hurt his feelings, I'll fuck you up" and stuff like that.

then he really hurt my feelings and broke my heart...

and no one did a damn thing.

Well, Braulio and you did, but pretty much everyone thought it was no big deal.

and they became EVEN BETTER FRIENDS with him.

What did I do wrong?

I would have loved

for you two to meet.

you were the two most important males in my life. One my boyfriend and one my non-heriditary brother

I think we all would have gotten along a lot and had a lot of fun.

but now I don't have either of you.

stuff doesn't always work out how you want it to though I guess. Maybe one day I'll have both of you guys back and we can watch a movie together or something. Until then I'll keep moving and keep trying to be happy.

I just really wish you guys were here to experience it with me.

Hey Reed

I fucking hate you.

you're a horrible human being.

you try to act like you're so fucking innocent and nice.

you're conceited about your "intelligence", playing ability, and looks *barf*

you're fucking disgusting when it comes to sexual stuff

you would steal someone's boyfriend in a SECOND if it meant you could get with the person.

I don't understand why people don't see how much of an axewound you really are except for me and a couple of other people.

I wish I never had to hear your name or see you again.

get the FUCK out of my life.

while it's on my mind

you asked me what being in love was like.

I had to think about it for a bit, but I'll do my best. This is just to me, but hopefully it'll help you understand a bit.

Love is when one person tells you that you're okay the way you are.

that you are special to them like no one else is.

that you're worth going out of their way to make happy

that you are beautiful no matter what

that you are fun to be with whether you have money or not.

that even if you disagree on an issue, you care about the person enough to look past it/work through it

And when that person leaves or gives up.

it makes you feel like everything they did or said was a lie or not true.

That's why it's so hard to deal with someone leaving.

at least to me.

why do I

have to be the unhappy one?

I did EVERYTHING for you.

I went against my better judgement and stayed with you.

and you spit in my face.

I still like you a lot,

but I will never have respect for you and I will never forgive you for taking my trust and my heart and smashing them.

The person I'm talking to now just told me he was basically a fake and I'm almost repulsed by him now.

I feel like if I stay the way I am I will never find anyone.

But why should I have to change for everyone else?

Why do I have to be the unhappy one?

I really enjoy being nice to people and helping people, but now I'm afraid that this is going to happen again.

Why?

What did I ever do to deserve to have that happen to me?

I don't think I'll ever be able to understand that.

Hearts aren't rented out, they're given as a gift of good will. You trust the person to take care of it and love it just like you take care of theirs. Hopefully someone can repair my feelings, because for now I have 0 interest in giving broken equipment to people.

I'm not sure if anyone would ever want to get this thing anyways, apparently it's not any good anyways.

:/ when will I get the good things I KNOW I deserve? I'd like to know...

Operation

surround myself with as many people as humanly possible before I have to leave to distract myself from being in a relationship for 6 months with someone who didn't actually give a fuck about me a SUCCESS!

Until Monday, that is :/

Dang

that was the first time I cried in a

looooooooooooooong

time.

and over someone who probably didn't even like me that much.

damn.

oh well, gotta keep moving.

When I get back to school is when it's going to be awful. I'm going to need to surround myself with friends for sure :3