I have

the absolute best friends ever.

I have friends that:
teach me new things
give me new ideas
are honest without being rude
make an effort to talk to me
deal with my annoying interests
make an effort to talk to and get to know my boyfriend, which means soooo much to me.
help me understand why other people thing and act like they do.
make me feel normal, something I almost never do.

you guys are all the greatest ever and I wish I could see all of you every day and you could hear me say this stuff to you every single day. Like...seriously <333

I need

near-constant reassurance that I'm good enough and needed.

and that's just annoying.

I feel like

being nice just doesn't pay off.

people think you're either boring, uptight, or just plain annoying.

but I don't like being mean to people, I like helping people out :/

been thinking lately

which, by the way, is never good.

but ANYWAYS,

I've been thinking, and I think I should have definitely stayed in Rowlett/Garland this year.

All my friends minus like 2 or 3 live there, my boyfriend lives there during the week and I could see him way more often, job opportunity, while still bad, is leaps and bounds better than in Denton. I still could have taken a good amount of classes at Richland and just taken a few that I needed for my major this summer or something.

Mistake.

Oh well, can't change it now and def can't move back.

This summer I really want an apartment. I know I need roommates, but I think I could find a few pretty easy. Now I just need a job to start saving up for that said apartment.

and to go to NY with Bernard and Abbey, of course :]

Biggest solution to everything? Find a job fast. I need a lead, damnit!

why

am I the evil one for not liking that a lot of my friends have ditched me for drugs.

why does that make me the bad guy? I'm supposed to be like "oh you just do whatever you want, who am I to tell you how to live your life?"

you're right, I have no right to tell you how to live your life.

but I have all the reason to be really disappointed in you and to feel betrayed by you.

not too many people seem to agree with me and it drives me crazy that I'm always made to look like the bad guy.

Christian was making me think

I really want to dress up sometime soon.

but I need some dress pants that don't suck and actually fit.

let's hope for that soooooon! :]

Tests

I feel like I'm tested a lot. Like, nothing is ever simple or easy for me, except for my apartment which my dad is helping me out soooooo much with
but I mean, like, in school and with relationships, platonic and romantic.
I've never had the "normal" people as my friends. In middle school we were the weird anime and video game kids. Then, at the end of middle school I found out I liked boys and that was another test, to survive your entire middle school knowing you were gay.
Then, going to a high school where you had like 3 friends sucked was pretty terrible.
North was okay, I can't complain about that besides not having many friends my age, but I didn't care about that.
Now, I have a boyfriend that lives an hour away who I currently cannot contact at all, close friends who live the same distance and I can only see once every two weeks tops, and a family I'd rather not talk to right now.
I guess maybe I pick to make these tests? I'd like to think I don't, but it seems like I never pick the easy way through anything. Oh well.

I don't think anything in that paragraph made any sense at all, but it helped to type it out.

and p.s. to you, sir, I hope you miss me as much as I miss you.

I get the feeling you don't.

hopefully I'm wrong.

to go from

talking to someone every day to not having any contact whatsoever with them.

sucks.

I already hated the idea of a long distance relationship...

idk if I can do it where I can only talk to the person when their dad leaves for a bit.

fuck this I need you really badly right now ;___________;

I wish

I was stronger.

when I am emotionally stressed, I just can't function very well :/

Lame

I need a break where I can just sit and play video games and watch gundam.

with no school or talking or anything.

I will never

be "good" enough for you or "smart" enough for you.

Why do all gay guys feel the need to be "intellectual"? It'd be cool if you didn't talk down to me all the time.

Lameeeeeee I just want someone who doesn't judge me for not liking school and will play videogames with me :/

I have

an unhealthy obsession with Asian men.

someone help me.

don't

ever correct my grammar again.

thanks.

I wish

I didn't have the innate ability to push away everyone important to me.

*deep Abbey's grandma sigh*

I'm working on it ;_____;

Pride Parade

was so lame.

"omg, who am I sleeping with tonight" *drinks another Jello shot* <-- this was actually said.

why is that all anyone my age cares about? ESPECIALLY gay people? and if they weren't saying stuff like that they were walking around in nothing besides their underwear...I don't even really fit in with gay people :/ maybe someday that whole subculture will appeal to me. Right now though it just seems really lame and fucking ridiculous.

I'm so tired

of people treating me like an idiot.

I am NOT an idiot, go FUCK yourself and talk to me like a human being.

damn.

Smart people

are fucking annoying and so irritating to talk to. Shut the fuck up, choke on something, and die.

on another note, I can't stand school. I don't like intellectual anything, it's not for me and just makes me feel dumb as fuck.

I KNOW I'm not dumb, but school makes me feel like I am since I am bad at reading and concentrating.

Seeing you

with someone besides me is going to kill me inside, I hope you know.

Well

I feel like a 30 year old trapped in a 19 year old's body.

I don't like parties

I don't like being trashy

I don't like acting "gay"

I don't like promiscuity...and don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean sex, that means fucking around with random people, which is something people my age just aren't into.

Am I whining? Oops. That's why I don't like talking about my feelings, I feel like I'm whining. I hope not. Oh well. Maybe someday I'll be better at expressing my feelings.

Who knew

this bitch could have such a good song :]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wmgg7zIDcwU

greatness <333

sorry

the letters got kinda boring xDDD

I had a big realization today!

I'm a super duper jealous, vindictive, and insecure person. Those are all awful characteristics in a person! Oh well, in the words of Lily Allen, I guess that's just the way that things go.

It kinda sucks that 2 of my closest friends left for like a week at a time that I really wanted and needed both of them to be here ;o; I'm happy they're happy, but I just wish I could have seen them more this last month I'm going to be here :/

I want a hugggggg ;o;

What a long day...

I wonder

what I can do to make people take me seriously?

oh yeah

not be gay

I'm so fucking scared

to go to school.

I don't like partying.

I don't fit in with "cool straight people".

I can't do this :/

I just want to sit here and be naive and chill.

;o;

Day 10-14

whoops, got behind, didn't I? xDD

10. Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to

Someone I always had wished I talked to more was my brother. But at the same time I don't. He's just so...unapproachable. I can't talk to him about anything unless it has something to do with his business. It's kinda frustrating :/ maybe someday he'll learn to...like...care about stuff outside of his little bubble.

11. a deceased person you wish you could talk to

Idk, I don't know any dead people myself, but I guess in terms of celebrities or even just famous people, probably Harvey Milk or someone else killed in the fight for gay rights, he's just one of the more famous ones. Just to talk to them about how you can gain the majority of the public's affection while still being gay AND still being yourself. That's some skill right there

12. The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

The only two people I can think of that caused me a lot of unneeded pain are Chaz Robinson and XXXZ XXXXX. Both of them went out of their way to make me miserable, one for no reason and the other for me using libel against them, if you could even call it that. Like...Chaz just liked to fuck with me from the first day I met him for no real reason. I think he just thought it was funny. He was the first person to call me a faggot for being gay. He most definitely doesn't remember that at all and I even had him in a class at Richland this past semester (he unsurprisingly didn't show up half the time). I don't care though he looks miserable and I can't say I feel very bad for him.

as for XXXX he's just an awful person and a complete fraud. Someday karma will actually catch up to him and even if the whole public doesn't see him for who he really is, something important of his will be ruined, I'm sure of it. I'm just glad I never have to deal with him in a personal, professional, or any other manner again. Ever.

13. someone you wish could forgive you.

Well...not in a conceited way, but I can't think of anyone I've screwed over that horribly that they hate me now. I'm sure I made someone feel horrible and hate me, but I try to move on from that kind of stuff...

14. Someone you've drifted away from

this one is a no-brainer. Bud, you were the little brother I always wanted. When everyone else gave me dirty looks for the music I listened to or games I played or anything like that, you would be interested in what I was saying/know what I was talking about. You were what I wished I could be, minus the depressed about nothing all the time thing. You didn't always treat me super greatly, but you were pretty much always an amazing friend and, like I said, always understood me (minus anything about my homosexuality, I don't think you ever really wanted to understand that). You don't think the same way of me anymore, and I don't think the same of you. You think I'm a self-righteous hypocrite and I think you're a pathetic e-head wannabe. So I guess we're even, huh? I'd rather not talk to or about you ever again if I could help it, you're so far from the person I knew it just makes me feel sad to think about you anymore :/ thanks for being my friend when I needed you, and goodbye, have a fun life. I'm sure after you realize drugs are a way to cover up your unwarranted depression, you'll find happiness somewhere.



*looks at frame that has a picture of two former friends that has the word "memories" around the frame* "look, a memory, because that's all [he] is, a memory"
-Jenny Dowsey

CHRISTIAN LUU

is a fucking bamf.

that is all.

Day 9

9. Someone I wish I could meet

If I could meet anyone, I think it would be...idk, I don't really want to meet meet celebrities, I think I would just hate them if I did. But maybe like George Michael? I'd love to just sit down with him and see what it was like being gay when he was and how it was being in the closet while still in the limelight. Just seems like it would be a really interesting conversation...

Day 7 + 8

7. Ex-Boyfriend
You were totally not right for me. You were too smart for me, too emotional for me, we just shouldn't have been together. But it worked for me somehow anyways. I think you saw way before me that we weren't meant to be together though. You were one of the first people ever to give me butterflies in my stomach though, and just like you I'll never forget that summer together. You're a great guy and I know you'll charm your way into whatever guy's heart you want :] keep being you, you're an amazing guy <333



and P.S. you've always been amazing at art, do something with it! :]


8. Internet friend
Ohhh, Megumi, you were such a cool chick :] I only got to see you at a few anime conventions and not for long enough by any means, but it was great having someone to talk to outside of my actual situation that was into the same stuff as me. You got me into some cool music and I always enjoyed just chatting with you, you are an awesome person. You'll never everrr see this, but thanks for making a really hard year in my life just a little bit easier :] I can't find the pic of you and me anywhere :/ oh well, thanks for everything <33

oh, and p.s. to someone, I hope you're as great as I think you are, I've been messed with by one too many people and I just fear you're going to ditch me like everyone else. I have faith that it will be good though :]

Day 6

6. A stranger

I'm pretty bad with strangers and making new friends, but to a stranger out there that cares about me, I hope you find me and tell me that everything is going to be alright and hold me and everything else wonderful.

yeah...

Day 5

5. My dreams

I don't dream a whole lot, but I daydream constantly.

I dream about being happy
I dream about being skinny
I dream about having someone hold me
I dream about having thin, beautiful hair
I dream about having money
I dream about living in a world where gay is normal
I dream about people dying
I dream about being a rock star
I dream about being a famous dancer
I dream of finally fitting in

I like my dreams, if only they could come true <333

Day 3 + 4

3. My Parents

Well...I guess I could break it up

Dad - my dad is very obviously bi-polar. He is super nice most of the time to my friends and myself, but if you ask him to fix something when he is in a bad mood he get's reallyyyyy angry about nothing. He likes to try to buy my love when I see him, which isn't super often since he lives in Grapevine now, but it's okay I guess. He is so hot or cold I don't know what to do or say around him, so his and my relationship with each other is just so awkward and absent of speaking that spending time with him is really tough. I think he really cares and loves me but just doesn't know how to say it or something, who knows...

Mom - my mom cares about me more than anything and tells me often. She is really into herself and her own problems and, most annoyingly, makes problems for herself. I think she finds comfort in her own problems, which I just do not understand, but whatever. I hope she finds happiness, but I don't think that will ever happen with her horrible attitude and with constantly looking for problems. I really want her to be happy though. We definitely need some time away from each other, though.



4. Brother

Oh Joey, where to start with you. You have NEVER been nice to me in my entire life until like a year ago when you start being semi nice. You are the most self-centered person I have ever met in my life, but you're not really even negative about it. You are so naive and so immature, you don't even realize how you affect people with you actions. You stroll through life with only your own concerns and what YOU want to do in mind and don't care that "hey this is a 3000 dollar program I want to do and I don't have a job so I can't afford it, you're paying for it, right Mom?" Like sometimes, I wonder what goes on in his head...I just don't understand. But I care about him a lot, despite all of that xDD

Day 1 + 2

1. My best friend

I don't have one best friend, but to my closest friend/s, thanks for putting up with me when I am really annoying and irritable and always being so nice, you're the best :]



2. My crush

I don't have any legitimate crush right now, but I have had many and basically what happens is I try to pursue it, the crush gets to know me and quickly loses interest. So I don't like talking about crushes, they don't work.

Enrique can always work though <333

This is fun :]

Letters

What a cool idea! Starting this with my next post in a minute and doing it every day for the rest of the month :]

Day 01 - your best friend
Day 02 - your crush
Day 03 - your parents
Day 04 - your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 05 - your dreams
Day 06 - a stranger
Day 07 - your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 08 - your favourite internet friend
Day 09 - someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 - someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 - a deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 - the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 - someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 - someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 - the person you miss the most
Day 16 - someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 - someone from your childhood
Day 18 - the person that you wish you could be
Day 19 - someone that pesters your mind, good or bad
Day 20 - the one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 - someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 - the last person you kissed
Day 24 - the person that gave you your favourite memory
Day 25 - the person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 - the last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 - the friendliest person you only knew for one day
Day 28 - someone that changed your mind
Day 29 - the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 - your reflection in the mirror

I hate

having to settle with everything in life, I can't be that lame, can I? And if I was I wish someone would tell meeeeeeeeeee BOO!

oh well, at least I have black people movies playing on MTV and gigantic controllable robots to make my Friday night fun :]

There's something in your eyes...

is everything alright?

mmmm

if someone sang that song to me we would have sexual intercourse on spot.

<3333

I hate blogging

I am just going to talk about interesting things that happen to me or that I see.

today I was at orientation and the school of Arts and Sciences mentioned that you need like 12 elective credits to graduate, and they suggest that you just get a minor since it takes around 18 hours to get one which is not a huge difference. One of the selections was LGBT studies. While the actual classes might suck and the teachers could be horrible, the sheer fact that I have the option to make my minor LGBT STUDIES is really cool to me.