surrender

grey's anatomy put it well, when you give in you almost always forget what you were fighting about.

except you don't forget.

but also as grey's anatomy says about things that hurt to think about.

you put them in a little box and just try not to ever take them out again...you can't forget them, but you can do your best to leave it alone.

thanks Addison.

you know what I want for my birthday?

my friend back.

bible beaters

"you may not think praying is going to do anything, but I have something you don't. Faith. Prayers are powerful with faith. and right now, my prayers are with those in Japan. May God bless them."

someone left this in response to me saying that instead of frivolously praying in an attempt to make yourself feel better actually doing something like donating to the red cross.

Christian people never fail to make themselves look dumb as fuck.

dumbassssssssssss

Sometimes I wish I liked sex more

so I could just go fuck around like normal gay men my age.

Instead I just want to play videogames with them and fall asleep on them while watching movies.

Fuck it.

Sometimes I wonder

if the reason no one really talks to me is how I look.

I have super spiky hair,
acne,
really pale skin,
baggy casual clothes 24/7
actually nice shoes instead of toms or loafers or some shit

and I wonder if that turns people off? Like, I know gay guys don't like it because I don't give a fuck how I dress, but I wonder if it ever deters people from talking to me.

I've thought about cutting all my hair off and wearing gay clothes before...
but why should I have to do that to fit in with a group I don't even like?

Oh well, just a thought running through my mind today.

and p.s., I like the way I dress and the way my hair looks a lot, actually. I kinda model those things after what I would like my partner to look like a little bit. But there aren't gay people that dress like that, like, at all.

Well

cried again.

95% of my friends don't talk to me anymore or decided I'm a bad person and that I judge everyone.

No gay guy will ever like me.

Don't mean to sulk, but it just sucks.

Damn

every day I care less and less about school.

I don't care about any classes I'm taking, I don't want to be a psychologist really and there's not much you can do with the degree I am headed towards anyway.

I feel like no matter what choice I make, it's a mistake.

If I drop out after this semester, I can still get my associates, but idk what I can even really do with that.

An idea I had was to get my AA and try to be like a bank teller or something, a job that pays fairly well so that I can save up some money. I'd live with my dad for a while until I saved some money. Then, I want to get my own place and go to cosmetology school.

but that's just an idea.

and I don't think I'm ready to leave g-town yet. I know that probably sounds lame, but I like it there. I really do like a lot of the people and I don't mind the city at all.

I just don't know what to do, everything seems like the wrong choice. I just hate being alone here all the time doing something I really don't care about.